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Hello everyone! I am not completely sure where to post this but I feel health may be the right place, as this has to do with my mentality. I have been struggling with something for a while that I would love some help with, if anyone is interested in having a discussion about it with me.
Basically, I am very uncomfortable with sexual themes and there is a very long winded back story as to why; related to traumas around the subject. I actually was very hyper-sexualized in my younger years and then there grew new trauma stemming from an abusive relationship, and this person also succeeded in brainwashing me/training me to think a different way than I ever had before, and never would have if I hadn’t been in that situation. I am not uncomfortable with anything in the bedroom or any acts of sex that I myself am participating in, the trouble comes from any other sexual scenario. For example, cam girls, strippers, strip clubs, escorts, or girls who post revealing photos of themselves on instagram or facebook, all send me into an extremely upsetting place, mentally. I currently don’t think I will ever personally support any of the actions I have mentioned, and become kind of hysterical when I notice my boyfriend paying attention to women who act this way who he knows personally offline, as I feel it is disrespectful to me and inappropriate behaviour for someone in a relationship. I don’t have anything against these women, it just makes me very insecure and it is related to my own personal traumas, as I have mentioned.
Here comes where I need some help. I am of course always trying to better myself and am tired of always feeling insecure about all of these sexual themes, and was wondering if anyone would be willing to help me over come it, or if anyone had any suggestions about how I could do this. I currently don’t feel that I fit in with anyone, anywhere, because I feel like every human I encounter both online and offline is seemingly obsessed with sex and nudity. I want someone to help me rewrite the code that this aforementioned abusive personality has installed in my brain so that I can become more confident with every aspect of myself. Obviously it doesn’t make me happy to be upset so easily by these things and it is causing me a lot of emotional stress and also affecting my relationship because of the way my boyfriend grew up; almost every girl he knows escorts or is a cam girl. After I have my reactions to these situations, (crying like an infant), I feel like I acted irrationally and feel embarrassed. I just want to feel calm and happy instead of constantly stressed out by my triggers. Fortunately my boyfriend is understanding and does what he can to help me avoid those stressors, but I don’t think it is healthy to avoid something but instead to learn how to be alright with it, and he doesn’t know how to help me on that front because he doesn’t want to stress me out further.
I feel unicult may be able to help me in this area because of the focus on brainwashing yourself into happiness. I look forward to your responses.
Hey hun,
hmmmm you seem like you really want some support and refuge from how you are feeling at the moment. I will be honest with you, this change might take a great deal of energy to achieve. The good news is that you can achieve it no matter what and I am super happy that you have brought it to the group. A problem shared is a problem halved! Its not easy telling people what is going on in our heads sometimes, but I want you to know that you are among friends who love you.
It sounds like you have had a rough past and have had some experiences that have are still causing you harm today. Its hard for people to come to terms with past trauma if they haven’t dealt with the issues that are at the core of it. You sound like you have good self awareness, and this will help you when you come to tackle this problem. Believe it or not but having self awareness on the issue means that you are already half way there.
Just a little bit about myself so you can see that Im not just some rambling loon lol – my childhood and youth were plagued with being over sexualised and people taking advantage of me sexually. When I was in the later years of my youth, (19 through to 21), I really struggled with my partner adoring other women and their bodies. And here is why. My entire self worth was wrapped up in my own sexuality. I unconsciously thought that my body was the only thing that I brought to any relationship – of course this wasn’t true, however because of my past trauma and unresolved issue I didn’t see anything else.
I genuinely thought that if my partner was looking at other women in a sexual way that meant that I wasn’t enough. Not sexual, nor as a woman. I had a deep set fear of prostitutes and other sex workers, because to me they threatened my relationships. They were better at being a sexual creature then I was and therefore my partner could leave at any given time for something better. So with help I grew to know and adore the other parts of me that were awesome, that people were attracted to and had nothing to do with my sexuality. I had to re-establish my identity away from just being a sexual creature, without completely crushing the sexual part of me in the process.
Now, here is a twist – I became a working girl. After I established a strong sense of identity away from my sexuality I deliberately faced my fears and started working in Queenstown as a Candy’s girl. For me, I had to tackle my sexuality issues head on. This is different for everyone and in no way am I suggesting that you do what I did. I came to realise, while working, the true nature of sex workers and I seen first hand that I had nothing to be scared of. I worked on and off from the age of 20 through to 29 and learned so much, not just about the sex industry but mainly about myself.
Your sexuality is beautiful my friend, it is a gift sent straight from the Gods. However it is not the only aspect of you that defines you. You are gorgeous and complex, with many layers and depths that make you unique and 100% loveable. Can I ask you a couple of questions? Do you react in anger when you are triggered? Anger is a secondary emotion and is a knee jerk reaction to another emotions, like pain or fear. Would you say that you were afraid or in pain? Peeling back those layers might be something that could help you hun. Is there something that your partner could do to help ease this for you? Ask them to do this.
Do you think that sex workers and the like have more power then you? This is a common misconception however a lot of women are conditioned to believe so. How do you practice self-reflection? This might be hard to chew, however it isn’t actually the sex workers that are making you feel this way – it is a part of yourself that triggers you. I don’t know about you, but whenever someone erks me I always ask myself, “what does this say about me?” Because its that answer that leads me on to being content and resolving my issues.
If you establish a good relationship with yourself, form an identity that is strong along side your sexuality, and practice self compassion then I think you will find more comfort. Sooooooo easy to say! Harder to put into practice, however I believe that these struggles are why we are here on Earth in the first place. Where there is pain there is room for growth, and growth leads us all the much closer to the divine. Without pain, sometimes, people aren’t prompted to grow. There is utter beauty in our struggles if we allow ourselves to see it. Just like a phoenix we can be reborn wiser, with a stronger sense of self, and literally be more connected with those around us.
You are not alone. Sometimes those darker pieces of ourselves tell great big fuck off lies. If you believe those lies then you give them more power. Its hard not to believe the lies, I completely empathise with you there, however they do not serve you at all. You deserve so much more then those lies! You are a treasure to humanity and life on Earth would not be the same without you! You have a choice to make my friend, let these feelings rule over you or you can use this challenge as a chance for self-growth.
Just like in a bad dream when we are being chased by something monstrous – when we turn around and face what is chasing us the monster loses all of its power and falls into submission. You can face this and over come it.
Beautiful share, both of you! and beautifully written response, @RahRah.
I agree, by simply being aware that there’s something you want to change, you’re already on the right path!As for specific techniques that might help, I would suggest trying various chakra meditations, especially for strengthening your lower three chakras. They are your foundation and center of personal power.
It’s a sort of long video, but I think Bentinho Massaro gives a pretty good explanation of the first three chakras in this video:
He starts by talking about childhood, but I think it can be applied to any trauma.
You can find tons of meditation videos on youtube, so if it sounds right for you, I’d suggest just trying various ones (especially for personal empowerment, in this case) and figure out what works best for you. And again, I go back to the fact that it sounds like you’re already on the right path. It might be a process and a journey, but keep taking it one step at a time and you’ll continue to grow and flourish!
Nice touch Cosmic Wizard! We could all do with a chakra clean out from time to time. You have inspired me and I will get started fresh tomorrow morning.
When your bf interacts with these women on line, are you feeling jealous? (Totally normal human reaction.) Is he interacting with them them in a non sexual manner?
1) Something that may help is if you ask him to write you a list of 5 Physical Characteristics/Sexual Traits (ex: Nice boobs, etc.) he likes about you and 5 Non-Physical/Sexual traits (Ex: Smart, friendly, etc.) he likes about you. This may give you confidence and will give you something to reference when you’re upset.
2) Get a journal and write down when this happens. Ex:
– What Happened: Boyfriend said hi to a girl online who posts revealing pictures of herself.
– How does it make me feel? Jealous
– Is this a rational thought? Yes/No No, I can acknowledge beauty in everyone, but I also value X,Y,Z about myself and my partner values X,Y,Z about myself. Just because he says Hi doesn’t mean he has sexual feelings for her. At the end of the day, he is with me and has chosen me.Also if you haven’t already, create a Periscope account and watch Unicole’s (@unicoleunicron) live shows 7PM PST weeknights – she has an “Ask for Advice?” section where she/the group can help you!
I appreciate all the responses to this! I am not exactly sure how to answer all of the questions and have been trying to self reflect some more to come to a resolution on how to answer them.
@rachael, I do not react with anger, I typically will just talk to my boyfriend about it and might cry a little bit, or a lot depending on circumstances like what exactly is going on or if I am particularly hormonal. I’m not really an angry person, I am more easily saddened and it just makes me feel kind of useless and not worthwhile. I dislike having hate or anger towards anything or anyone.
I dont think that I feel they have more power than me, I think I am just so unsettled by the whole thing and a little embarrassed by it, I guess it just seems extremely inappropriate to me and makes me feel really uncomfortable and almost as if I am being violated in some way, and disrespected. If I can help it, I try to keep myself away from these themes, but even sometimes if I am watching a film with sex scenes, or drug use, or prostitution, I get really upset and have to leave the room for a while to calm down, unless the person I am with is willing to shut it off. It makes me feel like, nauseous and light headed, and panicked. I wouldn’t say it’s crippling me in any way, and I am able to somewhat manage it, but I don’t want to feel so upset by this; I want to get over it.
I already do try to think about what this says about me, and that is why I am trying to learn how to change how my mind reacts to it. I also don’t think (but I could be wrong, thoughts aren’t fact!) that I am uncomfortable with my sexuality. I do feel sexy and am not ashamed by anything I want to do in the bedroom, and I don’t worry that my boyfriend may be thinking about anyone else. I don’t think I’ve ever been worried about him possibly leaving me for anyone else, or being unsatisfied. I just think it’s unfair to him that he is having to cater to so many of my emotions rather than just being able to feel he doesn’t have to do anything specific to please me. if that makes sense? Like, he alone should be enough for me without having to stop speaking to other women just because they post photos on their facebook in their underwear, and it makes me uncomfortable. That’s his decision if he wants them on his facebook, not mine, and I need to respect that as much as he respects that it makes me upset, (which prompts him to delete them to avoid upsetting me, but that makes me feel controlling in a way)
@cosmicwizard, I will definitely check that video out and explore this as an option to help center myself! thank you!@kyrie fluffins,
Thank you for these suggestions! I had been keeping a journal for a while and was using it to aid me in recoding the way my thoughts work, but I find it difficult to keep up because I sometimes feel like it is more of a chore to do than an activity I enjoy. That is just the struggle though; it’s going to take work, not everything can be corrected in a way that is preferential. I will look into periscope as wellHey Bunnies, so glad to hear about how you are getting on! And Im super pleased to hear that you are being self reflective, because somewhere inside you know the answers to this anyways. If you are honest with yourself it will come through and then after that you can put into place some healing if you so wish.
There is a reason why these themes upset you and only you can figure that out. And trust me, once you are completely comfortable with your own image and sexuality then you will be more comfortable with others and how they express themselves. You may not be a fan of everything, however you will be able to tolerate it without crying.
I wish you the absolute best with this challenge and I hope you find the courage to be completely honest with yourself.
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